It's no secret times are tough for regular ol’ down on your luck folks like me. Salt of the Earth types who studied hard and trained their whole lives for one single purpose: to be the guy on your pizza box. Now I know what you’re thinking — you’re able to get any job you want with a background like that! You’re right. I could. I could march into any Fortune 500 company or Hospital or Biglaw office and within an hour be set for life in a career that would provide for my family for generations. But you’re asking me to give up on my dream, to not do the one thing in this world that I am the best at.
There is no pizza company that I am not equipped to double sales within a week of me being on their pizza box. I can wear the apron, I can wear the hat, within hours of your company making the call I can have several different moustache styles ready to go and all of them will be unique to your brand. Each hand gesture will communicate your company's story, history and mission. Imagine a battle hardened and grim-faced Italian who spent the last 60 years of their life waking up at 4am in their quest to produce the perfect pizza. They’ve sacrificed everything. Their health, their relationships, their families. Now imagine that person seeing my face on your pizza box and breaking down in tears because they realized they wasted their life. “The pizza in here must be perfect!” they’ll think. “There is no way that kind of endorsement would be on anything less than the most ultimate pizza this world has ever seen! Meatlovers! What a fool I’ve been!” This is the brand response you’re leaving on the table every day without my face on your box.
I know the challenges faced by mid-sized frozen pizza companies. Your customers are young and tech savvy, they don’t want a rustic gentleman leering at them from their pizza box and making them think about how their grandfather was coal miner! They need their pizza on the go and have a pizza on the go attitude towards life. Do you know what the key to cracking this whole demographic wide open and getting them to shovel cash into your company like your company shovels electricity into your pizza freezing machines? Me! I can do this for you. I know all the secrets, the combinations of winks and hand gestures that will let them know this is the pizza that this is the pizza for them. This is the pizza for a new generation.
There is nothing to lose and everything to gain! You have hours to act before this opportunity is lost to your business forever. If you are the CEO of Pizza Hut and choose to do nothing, it won’t be long before you see lines of people outside every Little Caesars, desperate to get the pizza with my big beautiful face and my hideous little body in that toga, while you sobbingly turn the lights off at your last location. If you own a frozen pizza company you probably won’t even get a chance to see my face on any pizza boxes because they’ll sell out so quickly — an empty void in the freezer section surrounded by local store brands and Paul Newman’s morose face piled high in unsold pizzas.
So there you have it. I’m here pizza companies. I’m waiting, and I’ll accept anyone’s call! Anyone! Put my face on your box!
