Dear Scientists, its time- let me see what that particle accelerator tastes like
What a state the world is in. Climate denialism, vaccine rejection and worse run rampant across our society. Joe Everyman would rather watch a youtube instead of read a gosh darn book. Scientific literacy is at an all time low! But I know a way to lead us out of this dark night and turn everything around: let me stand in that particle accelerator you got and blast my taste buds with that out of this world flavor only found in the most exotic particles in the universe.
We’re all thinking it. I can’t stand in line at the gosh darn bank without seeing some child weeping and tugging on their parents arm, howling about their desire to see someone stand in the way of a charged beam of particles and describe how it tastes. I’ve seen the tears in the eyes of those parents as they try to explain to their children that the scientists just won’t let anyone do it. They don’t understand. Hell, I don’t understand. The man on the nightly news broadcast stops mid sentence about some horror story regarding our crumbling infrastructure, he can’t go on. They put up an animated graphic of a cartoon person walking into the circular superstructure of an accelerator and standing in the path of the beam. They open their mouth as the switch gets thrown.
I’ve had every type of cruel bastard tell me about gamma rays and positrons look slyly off to the side after I tell them I only want to know what they taste like. “I can’t tell you that.” You’re gosh darn right you can’t. Someone needs to make it accessible. To be able to go up to the media and say “Today the object colliding with these charged particles was my mouth and I can tell you exactly what kind of extreme flavor I experienced.” Finally something we can all agree on: good news at last.
Its gone on so long that people have become restless. Deprived of new extreme flavors they come up with more and more outlandish theories as to why. “The elites are hoarding the flavors!” is a common post to see on every social media platform. Photos claiming to show Bill Gates entering a particle accelerator facility and leaving looking extremely full go viral every few weeks. We can put an end to it right now. Things out here are bad and getting worse and the only solution that makes sense to me is to put my face in the path of a stream of rapidly moving charged particles.
Bold action is required. We will make our voices heard, and if they still do not relent I will make a gofundme for a particle accelerator of our own. One not for the sinister and deep state purposes of our government but a free particle accelerator to deliver flavors for the people. I will also make a patreon to support myself during this struggle. Please show your support by donating and subscribing!
