For those of you who are unfamiliar, I have spent the better part of two decades crafting articles and selling my abilities with the written word for a number of publications and institutions. After so much time has passed it is only natural to look back and reflect on which articles had the biggest impact on people’s lives, or rather one specific person’s life: me. While everything I’ve written lives dearly in my heart here are the ones that I felt had the most influence on myself and how I did my job as a writer.
- My Neighbor is the Worst Neighbor in the World
So this one had an immediate and drastic impact on my life. My neighbor Rob was able to deduce that it was about him even though I didn’t actually use his name in the article. Guess he is as good a detective as he is bad a dinner guest. Maybe he used the money he saved by only bringing a ten-dollar bottle of wine on karate classes because he absolutely kicked my ass in front of my wife and kids and two dogs a little after the article was published.
2. On March 3rd, 1999 The World Will End — And I can Prove it!
I was going through a bit of a rough patch personally when I wrote this. I didn’t expect so many people to get really, really attached to the idea that the world will end on March 3rd, 1999. The article, while not receiving much critical praise, proved to be immensely popular with a certain subsect of people. It turned into a major professional hassle when, on March 4th, hundreds of robe wearing and disappointed people began pummeling me with their hands and feet when I came outside to get the mail.
3. The Superbabes — Ranked!
I briefly flirted with an edgier style of writing for a time, for I believe it is important to gently push the boundaries of society as a creative. While many derided it as grotesque, I found it pleasurable to step outside of my normal forte and attempt to do what no one before me had done — rank the superbabes in order of hotness. While I thought the article achieved what it set out to do, my wife responded by beating me savagely after reading it, in front of my kids and two dogs.
4. This year's hottest cars!
I learned a lot about cars for this, they’re pretty neat. Mainly, I learned to not describe cars in, and I quote, “pornographic terms”. A lot of car people were really upset by what I considered a colorful turn of phrase! Let's just say I made my wife, kids or two dogs start my car for a while after this one came out!
5. In one year you’ll see that the war will be over and Saddam had WMDs
This article, published in 2001, generated a lot of media attention and got me my start as a commentator on national tv! I owe my entire career to it, really. Looking back on it not everything I laid out in the article came to pass exactly, but I stand by the main points and not the details. When I look around my mansion at my wife, kids and two dogs I feel the satisfaction that only a successful writer can feel. Truly, a life well lived.
