The Handshake. Is there no more universal greeting in the world of business? From the highest titan of industry, striding this world like a capricious god, caked with the blood of countless innocents; to the lowliest food cart proprietor, slinging egg sandwiches caked with the blood of countless innocents, they all employ the use of The Handshake throughout their day. To the untrained observer these rituals appear perfunctory or perhaps even arbitrary. Yet hidden in their intricate depths lie a wealth of knowledge that will allow you to peer into the secret mind of the Handshake participant. These tips may grant you the edge in any business transaction, so study them well.
- The Handshake has no frills
Also known as the double bluff handshake, or the “Platonic Ideal”, this is an elaborate ruse to project the pure form of the Handshake into the plane of the material world from the world of pure thought. The opponent who uses this technique is physically weak and prone to solipsism so do not attempt to engage them in the psychic realm with your own thought-forms as you will be quickly overwhelmed and succumb to businessmen's despair. Lure them out by holding on to the Handshake for too long, forcing their mind back into the material world.
2. The Handshake employs the “Third Hand” technique
In many ways the opposite of the no frills maneuver, this technique attempts to outmatch you by the sheer number of fingers employed. Exactly as it sounds this method uses a spectral hand to join the Handshake union. Many are broken so thoroughly by the number of fingers they will acquiesce immediately to any business demands made afterwards. For this reason, it is seen as unsporting. Though it has long been out of fashion you can to this day see many elderly executives who keep a squire nearby to throw their hands into the mix, negating the advantage given by this method.
3. The hand used is covered in acid
This has become all too common in recent years, piggybacking off the trend to have incredibly wet hands when having a business meeting. Thankfully it is also one of the easiest to counter: when someone extends a dripping wet hand towards you simply wait a few seconds for a drop to hit the ground. Do you hear a loud sizzling sound when the drop hits? If so, someone has attempted to give you the old acid hand.
4. You begin to hear music during the act of Handshaking
This is the most worrying of the techniques as it employs that great destroyer of business, love. Your opponent has concocted an elaborate series of events dating back to the time of your birth to arrange this meeting and ensure that when you look into their eyes for the first time your love of business will be overtaken with love of romance. As your ears fill with music your heart will fill with poetry and your eyes with the tears of happiness. You will feel a newfound realization that business isn’t everything, that you can be happy and fulfilled in your personal life. You get married, decide to take a break from your career to pursue other goals. 50 years later on your deathbed you are surrounded by friends and family, but the shaker of hands is mysteriously absent. They have returned to their immortal boss, a business lich, with the contract they needed, signed when you thought you were filling out your will leaving all your possessions to them. You have fallen to one of the most treacherous of Handshakes and it is too late. Thankfully it is easy to counter, if you find yourself married simply let one of your partners flaws begin to gnaw at you until you are no longer able to stand it, get an annulment and return to work.
5. The Handshake transports you to the Great Maze
We’ve all heard the jokes about the Great Maze, the labyrinth of infinite ice that lies in the heart of the dark wood. A land where death itself is too terrified to enter and so those banished to it are forced to wander and never die. One of the easiest ways to spot this Handshake is once you have locked hands with the other party they begin to scream “I INVOKE THE POWER OF THE GREAT MAZE, THE LABYRINTH OF INFINITE ICE WHERE DEATH ITSELF WILL NOT FIND YOU”. If you find yourself in this position, simply finish the invocation faster than the other person and they will be banished in your place. Please remember that time works differently in the labyrinth, and you may need to plan for the day when you are confronted by someone whose mind has been shattered after spending 400 years wandering the labyrinth before escaping.
These techniques, while common, are not nearly all of the Handshakes you are sure to encounter while pursuing your career in business. Be on your guard! Education is your best defense, so like and subscribe to be kept up to date on all the latest business trends!
